Glenorchy cowpoolers anonymous

Better living through bovine crime.

With tough economic times starting to bite, families everywhere are looking at ways to save a dollar or two from their grocery bill – everything from buying the cheap cereal to using tea bags twice and of course cowpooling.

What’s cowpooling? Well, it’s a little dollar saving trick where you get a few families together to buy an entire cow carcass direct from the farmer and then take it to your local butcher to get it chopped up. It’s a great way to have barbeques all summer long for a whole lot less than what you’d pay at the supermarket.

Now this is a new concept in some parts of the world, but it’s been happening for quite a while in Glenorchy. And as with many things, in GY they have a slightly different approach. Here’s a guide to Glenorchy cowpooling from one of the locals… who’ll remain nameless for obvious reasons.

Wait until there’s an All Blacks game on, preferably in Dunedin, so you can be fairly sure the farm hands on the property next door will be either out of town, or at least occupied for a few hours. Gather up a few mates, a four-wheel-drive, a jerry can of diesel, a chainsaw, a .22 rifle and a box of matches.

Drive into the forest immediately adjacent to the farmer’s property, and then jump the fence with the rifle. Select and shoot an appropriately tasty looking cow uphill from the four-wheel-drive then roll it down to the fence. Carve the carcass into quarters with the chainsaw then load the pieces into the four-wheel-drive ready to be chopped up into barbeque-sized portions later at home.

Lastly, pile the head, skin and entrails up somewhere in the forest and douse liberally with diesel, toss in a match and watch the evidence go up in smoke.

With the bounty safely in the deep freeze, invite your friends over for a big barbeque the following weekend, making sure to include the farmer next door... it’d be just plain un-neighbourly not to.